Program attacks twin problems of unemployment and clean energy creation by giving Americans treadmill opportunities

In a brilliant move to simultaneously create jobs and develop a source of clean energy the Obama administration earlier today announced the creation of the Federal Treadmills to Electricity program.

The Treadmills to Electricity program will report at the cabinet level. Workers in the program will be called "Treadmillers."

An issue that remains is whether it should report to the Department of Labor because it involves labor, Department of Energy because it transforms energy from one form to another, the Department of Health and Human Services because it is healthy, the Department of the Interior because it involves green plants and trees, or Hillary who should be doing something useful while Joe Biden is taking increasingly more of her duties and responsibilities.

The program mandates changing the generation of electricity from fossil fuel and nuclear power to human power by transmitting the power created by banks of people-powered treadmills to electricity-generating dynamos. 

It is estimated that this change in energy resources will stimulate demand for $3 trillion worth of treadmill and related power transfer equipment and may start to have a positive effect on the economy by 2012, midway through the projected 8-year Obama presidency.  This will coincide with the expenditure of the bulk of the economic stimulus funds.

The Obama administration has narrowed its choices for suppliers of the treadmill and power transfer equipment to several companies in the far east, the Pacific rim, and in Russia.  Despite 3 of these companies being in countries currently unfriendly to the United States, the selected companies are known to have strong ties to persons trusted by the current administration.

Economists vary widely in their predictions of the number of jobs to be created in the new federal job category of “Treadmillers.”  It is thought that with time off for personal days, sick days, vacations, lunch breaks, coffee breaks, job tardiness, and unexcused “no-shows” perhaps 30 to 50 million Treadmillers will be needed.

In keeping with union production practices, all Treadmillers will be paid the same rate and all treadmillers will be required to Treadmill no faster than the rate attainable by the slowest Treadmiller. Economists, electrical engineers, and labor leaders are unsure of how slow this can be.

The AFT (American Federation of Treadmillers) has stated that they will be pushing for a “30 and out” clause in all union contracts, so that Treadmillers can retire at full pay and benefits after 30 months on the job.

All Treadmill power generation facilities will adhere to the latest workplace safety requirements, which are in the process of being created by the Dept. of HEW. All facilities will have large areas devoted to green plants to recycle the carbon dioxide exhaled by the treadmillers into oxygen for further breathing.

Additional worker protection measures include heart rate and blood pressure monitors for each Treadmiller, and full-time cardiologists and  podiatrists for each bank of 4. Worker protection costs are not yet factored into the program but it is thought that they will add one or two trillion more to the stimulus.

Under its federal auspices, Treadmiller will be an equal opportunity position. All persons, even those willing to move no faster than a mosey or a shuffle, will be considered for Treadmiller jobs.

$40 per hour is thought to be high enough compensation that Treadmillers will find it unattractive to supplement their income by criminal activities in their leisure hours.   Adjusting this rate for inflation, economists believe it could go as high as $60 per hour after the program has been in place for 2 years.

Those applying for Treadmiller positions will have to fill out a 67 page employment application and undergo an intensive background check. Any of the following would automatically disqualify an applicant from further consideration for employment:

• Has ever exhibited conservative behavior, ever read conservative views, or have ever spoken to a conservative.
• Listened to Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly or Shawn Hannity.
• Ever seen an ad or poster or other materials from the NRA
• Owned a gun for personal defense that they have never used in a crime or have ever known a person who might be suspected of owning such a gun
• Does not believe that God is black and presently lives in the White House
• Has never fathered an illegitimate child
• Has never taken cocaine
• Has never knocked over a bank, gas station, or convenience store, with or without doing jail time.
• Has never committed robbery, burglary, car-jacking, assault, rape or similar crimes, with or without doing jail time.
• Is or was not a regular viewer of “Big Mama’s House.”
• Is more knowledgeable about economic principles than the current status of Oprah Winfrey's weight.

News of the program was greeted with enthusiasm by Obama supporters. Despite its obvious merits, negative comments on the program were received from health club owners who felt that people should pay to run on treadmills, not be paid for doing so.

A host of complaints were registered from numerous fast-food outlets that their remaining employment pool would consist of persons unintelligent enough to find the front door, much less know how to use it to get inside.

Comments from around the country were mixed:

• In California many residents were quoted as saying “I don’t want no stinkin’ yob.”
• Chicagoans said, “Gimme $100 per hour and someone to run in my place. You godda problem wid dat?” 
• Detroiters said, “Get outta the car, m-f, and leave the fxxxing keys. 
• Washington D.C. residents said, “Employment application? You want me to learn to read so I can work?”
• Texans said, “All I need to know about anything is it ain’t protection if its first number ain’t 4.

Applications to become a Treadmiller will be available at the offices of any local Democratic committee or candidate, and at local branches of ACORN.